I'm feeling especially unsettled with my current choice of company. Well, not current, seeing as summer is the time when I don't see the people I call friends every day.

People are so... dull and boring. Everyone. I can't stand anyone for more than a short while, and have no desire to associate with anyone. Everyone fills me with this mild distaste and I don't know what to do about it. Usually, I can tolerate people and their general stupidity, their humanness, I guess. Just lately, I've been feeling so cut off. Pretending to be like everyone else, pretending to care and be nice aren't enough anymore. 

I want to toy with people, make them care and then hurt them. Because I'm bored.

I reread this and I know that I am a terrible, cruel person, but I can't help it. I feel dangerous. I want to do something reckless.

I wish I knew someone as cruel as me, someone as sadistic and uncaring and inaccessible as myself. I want to get involved in something way over my head.

I feel restless and unattached. I want to skip this city, move on and go somewhere where I can start again, and maybe find that elusive person.

I don't desire company or intimacy or any of that; I do have a girlfriend after all, even if she is distant. I just want to know there is someone else like me, I think. 

It can't be that I am the only one who feels this way.

I feel so numb and desensitized. I feel violent and unstable. I want something to happen, something to make me feel, something intense enough to shock me or scare me or even hurt me. 

Anything to get rid of this terrible sense of complacency that's been nagging at the edges of my mind.

I know I'll never be satisfied by anything or anyone, but I want to at least feel.

This is irritating. I need to get out of here and DO something, go somewhere, toy with someone, whatever.

That should be the title of the movie about my life, even though that movie will never exist.

I know good friends are supposed to comfort their best friends when they’re upset and crying, but I always look for the closest exit.

There’s something about crying, genuine crying (not like mine) that freaks me out. Since this blog doesn’t really have ties to my true identity, I feel comfortable saying that genuine tears actually faintly disgust me sometimes.

I don’t know why; I don’t look down on the person for crying, I just get freaked out and I have absolutely no clue what to do.

Maybe being a hermit wasn’t such a bad idea. :X

In other news, my friend J and I went over G's house, and even though we're usually those friends that are way to sexual with each other, we just chilled and played Rock Band, which brought to light how bad I've become since I stopped playing. I had to go to medium on a few songs and was so ashamed.

I got a shitty score on my SATs, well shitty for me, everyone else seems happy with it. I got an 1860, and plan to study all summer and then retake it in October. I REALLY want above 2000, maybe even 2100. God, I'd kill for a score that good. 

Math was the worst, which is amazing since I have to take the math SAT subject test because I'm going to be a fucking PHYSICS major.

A physicist who sucks at math. That's almost an oxymoron.

But, I'm going to really try. I'm not going to fail at EVERYTHING I do.

Last night was the worst night of sleep I have gotten in a long time. Instead of just not being able to sleep, and then falling asleep in the wee hours of the morning solidly through to my alarm, I couldn't fall asleep until midnight, and then I must have woken up about four separate times. And I know I wasn't sleeping deeply because I had and can remember around four separate dreams, all of which were weird.

The first one was that my algebra teacher wouldn't speak to me and instead wrote a note to my best friend who then read it to me.

The second one was my friend M and my best friend and I getting on this bus that was taking us to a southern state where my best friend's family now lives, and not knowing what to tell my mother regarding my whereabouts for that period of time.

The third involved this girl I have a crush on (no it was not a sex dream; we were just talking).

The fourth one involved me helping an intern teach and do better with their lesson plans.

Weird shit, man. I always have weird dreams like that. They don't seem to make much sense, but there's always some sort of underlying meaning I guess.

My ex boyfriend is coming down to visit and we're going to go to the Pride Parade here on Sunday with M. It's going to be awesome. I haven't seen him in awhile, and we're really close friends even though we were in a relationship together for about two and a half years. We mutually decided to end it because it was long-distance and we were more like friends anyway.

I have an algebra and a physics final today. Physics will be okay, while algebra..... we'll see.

I'm almost finished this year of school and I'm really excited to get it finished. Finals don't start until tomorrow, but the only thing I need to do tomorrow is present a project on science fiction. I did a group with my two good friends, J & M, who are also huge nerds. Instead of planning the project, we argued X-Files v. Stargate SG-1 because Stargate beat X-Files as the longest-running sci-fi broadcast by ONE fucking episode, but I'm pretty sure X-Files had a larger fanbase. We also argued the pros and cons of the various series of Star Trek. Personally, I like the Next Generation, but J likes Deep Space 9 and M likes Star Wars (blech). 

My physics teacher, with whom I am very close, is extremely surprised that I plan to major in physics and has brought it up with the same level of surprise on three separate occasions and is determined to teach me everything that will be on the Physics SAT Subject test. I love that he is so supportive and that he cares so much about my well-being. He's the one who inspired me to actually major in physics, which is what I've always wanted to do but wasn't going to do because I didn't think I was smart enough.

Well, I am. So yeah, I'm majoring in physics, thanks to my amazing physics teacher. <3

Now that I've been officially diagnosed with ASPD, it's been slightly weird, because before I was diagnosed I knew I had it, but it was lacking finality because of the lack of backing from a specialist. Now that it has it, I'd rather have just gone on knowing I had it without letting someone else judge me. My somewhat girlfriend (my bestfriend who kisses me from time to time and with whom I shamelessly flirt) is extremely interested in psychology, and after I told her, she said I was an extremely interesting person and that it was "cool."

I guess it's cool; I mean I like that I can manipulate people so easily and that lying is like second nature. 

Hope everyone is doing well; it's like living in a fucking furnace where I am.

Since I was rejected to a summer program for engineering, I currently have absolutely nothing to do with my summer. So, I've decided to make a list of things I'd like to do. 

• lose 10 pounds (this sounds realistic)
• go to the gym 3-5 times per week
• study for SAT round 2
• learn French 4 AP before I have the class
• Study for the Math & Physics SAT Subject Tests
• Not dye my hair
• get rid of most of my clothes
• get new clothes; change style
• go through all my things and get rid of most of them
• try to be reckless
• hang out with friends

I told my friend who I mentioned earlier about my feelings, and we managed to work it all out. We're as close as ever, and everything is better.

We're probably going to go see X-Men First Class next week at some point.